Editor's Note: This special guest editorial was written by PT commentator Jonathan Apus.
Friday, 21 January 2005
Families face many problems in today's world, including poverty, unemployment, access to health care, and various forms of abuse. James Dobson wants to make people aware of another problem: SpongeBob SquarePants. Following in the distinguished line of homophobes like Jerry Falwell, who accused the Teletubbies of promoting a gay agenda, Dobson claims that Sponge Bob, too, is pro-gay. He holds hands with his friend Patrick! He watches a TV show called The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, obviously a show about cross-dressers!! Oh how devious are the promoters of the homosexual agenda and their allies, the communists, the liberals, and the secular humanists!!! It's a good thing Christianity has such compassionate, intelligent social commentators to deliver us from the wily advocates of evil like SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Sandy, and Mr. Krabs.
The only problem with Dobson's analysis is that he hasn't gone far enough. Let's start with the star of the show, SpongeBob himself. Why was a sponge chosen for a lead role in this show? Although sponges are capable of sexual reproduction, they regularly reproduce asexually. It is clear, then, that the purveyors of the homosexual agenda chose SpongeBob to be their lead character because he is, in effect, bisexual. Another reason a sponge was chosen was that evolutionary biologists classify sponges as the most primitive of multicellular organisms (Metazoa), lacking a distinct body cavity (coelem) or even a mouth. Their choice smacks of an incipient pro-evolution, anti-creationism agenda. Then there's SpongeBob's behavior. In one episode he repeatedly rips his pants--on purpose!--exposing his underwear for all to see. In fact, many episodes show SpongeBob in his underwear, a clear violation of the decency regulations passed by the Federal Communications Commission in the wake of the Janet Jackson scandal. Finally, the pineapple that Sponge Bob inhabits is a transparent swipe at the pineapple growers who civilized the Hawaiian Islands and brought prosperity to a backwards, Polynesian people.
It's obvious that SpongeBob advocates a blatantly homosexual, anti-Christian agenda, but what about his cohorts? Let's start with Patrick. Patrick is a pink starfish, and that pretty much says it all. Pink! Clearly the creators of the show intend Patrick to represent the members of Code Pink, a lesbian women's organization advocating radical ideas like peace in a time of war. Despite his somewhat deeper voice, Patrick obviously plays the "female" role in the relationship with SpongeBob, as his color indicates. However, his illustrators further the obscenity by drawing him with five obviously phallic limbs. Clearly Patrick is a perversion of the highest order.
Squidward is the primary straight-man in the show, and he is the main clearly straight (not gay) character. How is he presented to the audience of children who watch the show? He is portrayed as crotchety, paranoid, and not too bright. It is obvious that the creators of the show intend to teach views that normal, straight individuals should be treated as outcasts and treated with intolerance. Why is Squidward so crotchety? Because he has a secret longing to be gay, or so the creators would have us believe. Squidward's frequent playing and fondling of a clarinet represent an act too vile to mention. Suffice it to say that although Squidward is straight, he longs to be like his neighbors SpongeBob and Patrick.
Perhaps the most unusual character in the cast is Sandy, a squirrel from Texas who lives underwater in Bikini Bottom (an allusion to topless bars!). Because she is a land animal, she is forced to wear a deep-sea diving suit at all times. Her inclusion in the group is a not-so-subtle swipe at the notion of the proper role of women in society. Sandy is an A-1 women's libber. She's strong, she's smart, she's outspoken, and she's from the south. Her southern roots imply a criticism of the Southern Baptist Convention's proper recognition that women need to be kept in their places (i.e., out of the pulpit and out of roles of leadership in the church). Sandy's presence in Bikini Bottom is emblematic of the attempts of women everywhere to usurp the leadership roles of men in society.
Finally we come to Mr. Krabs, whose character is perhaps the most dangerous of all. Mr. Krabs is a local entrepreneur and owner of the Krusty Krab restaurant. He is portrayed as stingy, in part because of the low wages he pays his employee, SpongeBob. But if it weren't for Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob wouldn't have a job! The creators of the show clearly intend Mr. Krabs to be a caricature of capitalism, and they use his character to promote a pro-socialist agenda. On top of his role as a perversion of the capitalist promise, Mr. Krabs has a daughter who is a whale. Can anyone say bestiality?
SpongeBob SquarePants and his colleagues are a clear and present danger to the moral fabric of America. The show features pro-homosexual, pro-evolution, pro-perversion, pro-feminist, pro-socialist, anti-normal, anti-Christian agenda. Thank you James Dobson for pointing out to us the dangers of this show! Liberals, you are put on notice: as long as filth like SpongeBob SquarePants is on the airwaves, your pathetic attempts to talk about "problems" such as poverty, global warming, racism, and intolerance will be ignored by a thinking American public.
This commentary represents the views of the author and should not be construed as reflecting the thoughts of the editors of this journal.