Ashcroft Charges Moses with Making Terrorist Threats

Sunday, 7 November 2004
Juan Vencejo, Progressive Theology

John Ashcroft, in one of his last acts as outgoing Attorney General of the United States, today ordered the arrest of Rabbi Moshe Jacobson of Goshen, IL, on the charges of making terrorist threats against the president of the United States. Ashcroft, a firm believer in the inerrancy of scripture and the fulfillment of prophecy, says that he was led by God to arrest Jacobson after spending a time of prayer and meditation on Exodus 3. In his quiet time, Ashcroft reflected on Moses' encounter with God in the Sinai Peninsula. He became alarmed when he read about Moses' discovery of the burning bush, which he immediately saw as a threat to ignite an incendiary device in the immediate vicinity of the president.

Ashcroft called on the FBI to investigate the matter, and field agents quickly developed a profile of a Jewish senior citizen with a name similar to "Moses," leftist leanings, and a grudge against the president. They focused their attention on Rabbi Jacobson after they discovered that he had been born in Sinai, South Dakota, was now Senior Rabbi in a synagogue in Goshen, IL, and had recently traveled with a tour group to the Middle East, including a stop in Cairo (Egypt, not New York). Using secret powers granted them by the USA Patriot Act, the FBI confiscated the electronic voting machine on which Jacobson voted on November 2 and determined that he cast his vote for John Kerry. Furthermore, Jacobson is known to have associated with other Kerry supporters in days and weeks prior to the election. Law enforcement officials are also looking into the possibility that he was a registered Democrat prior to 9/11. If that allegation can be proven, Ashcroft said, his indictment will be amended to add the charge of Supporting a Terrorist Organization.

Jacobson's attorney, Aaron ben Levi, also of Goshen, told stunned supporters on the courthouse steps that his client was innocent of the charges and that he is a victim of simple mistaken identity. He also accused Ashcroft of overzealous prosecution and violations of his client's First Amendment rights to free speech and free association.

Asked about these countercharges, Ashcroft replied, "First Amendment rights? There are no stinkin' First Amendment rights anymore. He must not be familiar with the secret provisions of the Patriot Act. But how could he be? They're secret! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"

Rabbi Jacobson is currently being held without bail in an undisclosed location (rumored to be Guantanamo Bay, Cuba) as an enemy combatant, so further contact with his lawyer or family is not expected anytime in the next four years, possibly more.

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